Love in the Workplace: Dreamy or Dangerous?
In this special guest post, Cynthia Shapiro, career expert and best selling author, says that, contrary to conventional wisdom, you CAN have an office romance without hurting your career if you know (and heed) a few “insider secrets.”
He’s got those electric blue eyes and that winning smile. You find yourself drawn to him, which is becoming a problem because you can’t think straight when he’s around. You’ve caught him looking at you too, and you are beginning to wonder, thinking “Should I go for it?”
This question can be exciting and scary even under ideal conditions, but what if this man or woman of your dreams is your boss? Or your subordinate? What do you do then?
Many career experts and companies would tell you to simply avoid love in the workplace at all costs.
But is that realistic? We spend more time at work than almost anywhere else, so how could we possibly avoid falling in love with someone we work with? According to a study from Vault.com, 58% of people have admitted to falling in love and dating someone at work.
But with all the talk about non-fraternization policies, CEO dating scandals, and sexual harassment fears, workplace dating has widely become known as a career killer.
I’m here to tell you it doesn’t have to be as scary as you’ve been led to believe.
Contrary to what many career advisors and employers have told us: you CAN have an office romance without hurting your career. In fact, without dating in the workplace, Bill Gates would still be a lonely bachelor.
It doesn’t have to be a dangerous proposition if you know these insider secrets:
- It’s not sexual harassment to ask out a co-worker. Contrary to what paranoid employees may believe, or employers may have told you, it is not illegal to ask out the person in the next cubicle.
Here’s how it’s done: create a work relationship with this individual first. Find out what this person is like: do they have a tendency toward gossip and telling everyone about their personal life, are they related to the boss, are they already dating someone?
It’s also best to research and know your company and industry policies on dating before you jump in, so you understand what may be at stake here (this can easily be accomplished by reading through your employee manual). Some industries have stronger issues with dating, and it’s important to know what you’ll be up against so you can craft a plan for success ahead of time.
Then ask this individual out for a work lunch to find out how they behave away from the workplace. Once you’ve created a solid work relationship, you can ask them out on a date.
But in the workplace, “no” really means no. If the person says no, you don’t ask again. You can’t continue to ask someone out over and over again. If they say “no,” it’s done. If they say “yes,” you are happily ready for the next step.
- Casual dating is a no-no. It’s important to be aware of any potential consequences to your career before moving into a relationship with this person. The harsh truth is that love affairs do end, and a candid conversation about what might happen to your careers if things go south is more than a good idea.
It’s also key to create a plan for what will now be a dual relationship, meaning you are considering entering into a joint personal and business relationship with its own inherent challenges. This type of dual relationship can create tremendous strain on a couple, and when pay and promotions are on the line, can even become explosive. It’s best to have a plan of action before these potential scenarios arise. Consider and discuss each of these aspects carefully before things get started. Afterwards it’s too late.
- No Flirting. Dating a fellow employee is your private business and should not be obvious. Please resist the temptation to send ooglie, smoochy emails (most companies monitor emails, so they will see), and try to give each other some space so you’re not tempted to dive into the supply closet together.
The Vault.com survey mentioned above showed that 28% of employees admitted to having a “tryst” in the workplace. That behavior is very dangerous to both your careers, and can even get you fired.
Keep it under wraps, keep it professional at work, and keep it private at all times.
- Keep it private, NOT secret. There is one very important exception to the rule of privacy: if the person you‘re dating is above or below you on the ladder. For example, if you’re a manager dating a member of your team, or vice versa. In this case, the relationship must be disclosed — always.
Your direct boss and/or HR are the only ones you tell. Ensure the boss that things will be professionally maintained at all times, and that you will both follow the company policies and guidelines.
Disclosure is key for several reasons: it helps the company remove any potential conflicts of interest, and it removes the ability of one or both of you to come back with a sexual harassment claim that could endanger the company (there have been many cases of mutual relationships that ended in a scorned party claiming sexual harassment after the fact, so this is a real concern).
- Make the necessary adjustments. If one of you has a direct reporting responsibility to the other, then responsibility for pay increases, reviews, and even work assignments will need to be transferred to another member of management.
Understand that one of you may need to be transferred to another department due to company policy or industry comfort levels. In some cases, the HR department will need to do a formal review to determine if there are any conflicts of interest.
This is a necessary step, you should defer to the company in this instance, and the company recommendations must be followed no matter what. You don’t want your sweetheart to get the promotion of his dreams just to face accusations that he slept his way to the top. And you don’t want to find love at the expense of your hard-earned career.
Can workplace dating really have a happy ending? Absolutely.
A SHRM study recently showed that when workplace dating is approached the right way, 44% of HR professionals have seen those relationships end in marriage and have even seen productivity increase.
I recently worked with a couple who wanted to date and both stay in their high-powered careers in the same department of their Fortune 500 company.
They disclosed their relationship properly, went through a review with HR to determine if there were any potential conflicts of interest, and today they are happily married and still working together successfully in their same positions.
So, don’t be afraid of asking out that talented and charismatic “dream boat” in the next cubicle. With a few insider secrets you can date with dreamy delight – not danger.
Cynthia Shapiro, MBA, ELC, PHR
International Best Selling Author & Career Expert
www.CynthiaShapiro.com
A former Human Resources executive, Cynthia Shapiro, switched sides and is now a renowned Employee Advocate, coach, and author of the best selling book CORPORATE CONFIDENTIAL: 50 Secrets Your Company Doesn’t Want You To Know – And What To Do About Them.
Her highly anticipated new book What Does Somebody Have To Do To Get A Job Around Here? 44 Insider Secrets That Will Get You Hired launches in April 2008. Visit www.CynthiaShapiro.com for more.
OK, you got this far, and maybe just a few of you are wondering, “what does lawyer George think about this?”
Well, I think Cynthia’s advice is all sound, and certainly understand how the workplace is a tempting means of meeting compatible love partners, one that is probably more likely to suceed than, say, hanging out in bars or doing classifieds.
I also think that many employers are still very gun-shy in this area. This caution is justified by the risk of sexual harassment claims. So a workplace romance, especially in a direct-report situation, is definitely risky business — for both employees and employer. Therefore, it should not be entered into lightly. I think Cynthia said as much, but I would emphasize it.
A couple of other lawyers’ V-Day viewpoints on the subject
Finally, I’ll note that this is a perennial Valentine’s Day topic, and point the interested reader to some prior posts on the subject in this Blawg:
- Cupid Draw Back Your Bow and Let Your Arrow Go; Straight to My Coworker’s (?) Heart….
- The Latest Trend in Office Romance: Contractual Love
- Romance in the workplace update: survey results
- Love is in the air . . .Love and Romance: Forget those online dating services and just go to work!
- Rethinking attitudes and policies towards workplace romance
Photo Credit: kiki the cat via flickr
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